Are they lying? Or telling us what we want to hear?

Lying has no gender. MANY women lie, MANY men lie. Few people tell the truth 100% of the time. Often, people aren’t really sure of their truth. People often say things that are partially true, or seem true, in the moment, and then are afraid to take it back.

Many of us like to keep our comfortable illusions, and we can ignore early clues as to to the truth. We don’t fully want to hear it.

The worst lies are from callous people deliberately trying to manipulate. Others lie for convenience or out of laziness. The most common lies are due to cowardice. Many people are just naturally cowardly, but sometimes we make it harder for them to tell the truth by our reactions. If we really loved to hear truth, perhaps we wouldn’t punish the messenger.

We can’t really control other people (except in our bdsm fantasies). That means we can’t totally control their truthfulness. It’s better to select people that are truthful in the first place, rather than try to reform them.  All we can do is (1) be truthful ourselves, (2) be good listeners, (3) respect our intuition, (4) double-check anything that seems to good to be true.

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Fears and Myths About “Erectile Dysfunction”

Recently I experienced ED for a limited period of time as a side effect of medication.  When I stopped taking the medication,  a few  months ago, the ED disappeared.

Wanting to break away from the culture of silence,  when I was having the ED I openly discussed it in one-to-one conversations and in group settings.

During the period when I had ED I talked  openly about it I learned how much fear, prejudice, and misinformation there was out there on the part of both men and women.

(1.) Benefits of ED, which include the incentive to perfect one’s ability to communicate sexual energy through a number of other channels, besides a hard penis; less preoccupation with “getting off” and time for longer, more leisurely sex.

(2.) Unnecessary and self-defeating public silence and shame about ED by men. Whenever I would discuss it publicly other men would come up later and thank me for discussing it, yet they wouldn’t discuss it publicly themselves.

(3.) Ignorance of some women, including the belief that Viagra is a magic bullet, not understanding the downside of Viagra, and thinking that a hard cock is the only way to get true satisfaction. (I’m not dissing the value of a hard cock, or an individual women’s preference for such — just the narrow-mindedness, similar to vanilla narrow-mindedness, of thinking that there is only one superior way, the hard-cock way, whereas it is quite amazing what can be accomplished without a hard cock. That said, I am not sorry that the ED is gone. However, I am permanently liberated from the fear of ED.

The Elegant Sadist Goes to the Cinema

I found an interesting list of bdsm-related scenes in cinema here: http://margelle.org/aboutgoddess/page9/page9.html

One of the films that is left out of this list is “Prime Cut” with Lee Marvin and Gene Hackman (1972).  It’s a tale of gangsters, sex slaves,  captive young girls kept naked in cattle pens, herded with cattle prods, and sold on auction blocks.  I’ve never actually seen the film.  I only remember reading the description, which sounded daring for a 1972 mainstream movie.  Apparently a young Cissy Spacek debuted with a totally nude scene.

There were darker movies that appeared in the late 1960’s (the “roughies”), but these were not mainstream movies, and were confined to the grindhouses and drive-ins.  http://permanentobscurity.com/perm-obsc-sexploitation-roughies.htm

For a brief history of the origins of exploitation films, check this link out  http://geeksyndicate.wordpress.com/2009/03/05/metropol-what-is-grindhouse/

The trouble with erotic literature

Since childhood I was a book addict.  I would go on reading binges from which I’d emerge, unshaven, bleary eyed, with fiction-withdrawal.  Why, then, do I not get off on erotic books?

The first erotic novel I read was The Story of O, in college, and I got a terrific boner when I read about O’s initial whipping and humiliation at the Chateau,  LOL.

Confronted with the evidence of my extremely hard cock, there was no denying the reality of my inner sadist.  But, from there on the book went downhill, except perhaps when O gets branded near the end of the novel.

There are only so many combinations of words one can use to evoke erotic scenes.  And my brain can only muster  so many variations on the same old internal imagery.  But when it comes to photos and video — there are so many subtle nuances that prose is not precise enough to capture.  The particular look on a submissive’s face, or in her eyes.  The little flinching movements, the cries of surprise, the deep grunts of satisfaction.  The various intonations of pleas and cries and whimpering.  No two of these scenes are exactly alike, visually and emotionally. There are always slight variations, just like a fingerprint. The chemistry between the participants in the photographed or videotaped scenes are palpable — palpably genuine, or palpably fake — in a way that written scenes can rarely be.

Descriptions of kinky scenes in words  get stale.  Images tend to stay fresh.  The real thing is even better.

Yum! Let the whippings begin!

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Why dogs like squeaky toys – why I like squeaky subs

Go to the pet store.  There’s tons of squeaky toys for dogs.  Why?  The squeaking sounds like the high pitched sounds small animals make in the wild.  That taps into the dog’s “prey drive.”  Somehow the dog is hard-wired to like those high pitched victim  sounds. In the wild when the dog captures a small animal it will make sounds like those.  There’s no malevolence on the dog’s part.  It’s just wired to like those sounds, the way it’s wired to dig, and chase, and pant, and drink water.

For some reason, I am also hard-wired with a prey drive.   I like hearing little whimpering sounds from my little human barbie dolls when they are tied up and teased, tormented, slapped, and penetrated. There’s no malevolence when I bite into my barbie doll or nibble on her.  It just taps into some deep inner drive.

In the wild the  prey doesn’t survive being played with by the dog.  But when I buy my dog a toy, the dog’s urges are satisfied and no harm is done.

My barbies are my willing toys.  I enjoy toying with them, and they enjoy being mauled by me.  No harm is done.

I think I’ll walk around in circles now, and then lie down.

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humiliation! – betrayed by the body

Many people find it hard to wrap their minds around the subject of humiliation. They may have in mind being verbally insulted by their dom.  What’s pleasurable or erotic about that?

Being betrayed by your body is humiliating: stuttering when you are trying to lie;  betraying your fear by involuntarily wetting your underwear — these are all humiliations.

Another way the body betrays us is if we are trying to suppress a desire — for boys: feeling the erection growing in your pants while you are close-dancing with a chaste high school sweetheart, and hoping she wouldn’t notice the hard bulge;  for girls: having a boy  you didn’t like make an explicit sexual comment about your body, and starting to blush, against your will.

Our cocks get hard and our pussies get wet when we think they shouldn’t. How embarassing!  How humiliating!   How totally hot!

A staunch advocate for women’s rights struggles discovers she can only have an orgasm while imagining forced sex.  A committed civil rights advocate has fantasies about his lover being his slave. This can be profoundly disturbing.  A struggle to deny it ensues, but ultimately the person has to admit that this is what arouses him or her!

The author of the autobiography, Whips and Kisses, tells of when she first worked up the nerve to find someone to spank her (this was back in the stone ages, before the internets).  When she answered an ad in the newspaper, she could barely speak the word “spank” over the phone — she felt her desire made her “perverted,  deviant” (p. 155)  How humiliating to have to admit this by asking for what she so deeply craved.

There is always the spectre of rejection, In the movie The Piano Teacher, the highly repressed Erika Kohut tells her submissive sexual fantasies to her young lover and he reacts with repulsion, ridicule, and then brutality.

Ulltimately what can be most humiliating to a new submissive is to admit her desires.  To have to ask for what she craves, or to admit that she enjoys it.

Sometimes the unspoken pact with the dominant is,  ”You must restrain me, tie me up, threaten me with physical punishment, coerce me, and make me do the things that I really want to do, but feel ambivalent about. You will take the responsibility for making me do it.”   It is humiliating if  the dominant turns the tables and demands of the sub, “You like this, don’t you?  Look how wet you are. . .Tell how much you love it.  Beg me for more of it.”

Why is there erotic satisfaction and pleasure for the sub in this humiliation?  Because she finally claims and proclaims the suppressed identity that she feels ambivalent about.  ”Yes, I’m a bad girl!  Yes, I’m a sub!  Yes, I crave punishment! Yes, I’m a pain slut!  Yes, I’m a cum slut!”

Proclaiming this forbidden identity creates the momentary freedom of rebelling against shaming social norms or internalized moral prohibitions.  The sub joins with the dom in rebelling against convention, temporarily shedding ambivalence, and enacting the social taboo.

This may change eventually, as society becomes more open, fetish becomes fashion, spanking goes mainstream, and everything is less closeted and underground.

Meanwhile, in many quarters of society, admitting one is a sub or slave generates the same uncomfortable combination of fascination and disdain as admitting one is a pornstar, or a stripper.

As long as this is the case, there will be erotic humiliation. Erotic humiliation thrives on a cultural atmosphere of  repression, shame, disapproval, and pent up desire.

(This is making me hot, just writing about it!)

If you understand the power of erotic humiliation, please share your comments here!

Until next time, you filthy-minded sluts! ; )  Take your hand out of your panties now.  I can see you!

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Sensation, submission, and control – part 2

Pain does not equal submission

It could be argued that if I allow someone to strike me or inflict pain on me, it activates an inherently submissive emotional template in me.  But I think it’s more complicated than that.

If I am paying an acupuncturist to stick needles in me along the meridians, I am not being submissive. If I am naked and bound to a table, and someone is piercing me with needles for their erotic pleasure, I am being submissive.

There may be some middle ground between these two extremes.  What if I enjoy the sensation of needles in my flesh, and want it done to pleasure myself?  Am I being submissive, or am I merely seeking sensation?

As we begin to add more and more conditions that signal a power differential, it begins to shift from being ambiguous to being more clearly submissive: (1) If the other person chooses where to insert the needles and for how long, (2) If I am bound so that I cannot exercise the choice to leave, (3) If I am gagged so that I cannot protest, (4)  If I have to assume an inferior posture, such as kneeling,  (4) If I am totally naked while the other person remains clothed  (5) If I am wearing a collar that symbolizes submission, (6) If the other person verbally taunts me or insults me while inserting the needles.

The more the person on the receiving end desires these kinds of trappings to enhance his or her emotional and psychological experience, the more likely that the sensations inflicted are being experienced primarily as symbols of submission.

The less that these trappings are present, or have been present in the history of the relationship, the more likely that the person on the receiving end is experiencing the sensations primarily as a form of hedonistic pleasure independent from a submissive mindset.

Therefore I, as a dominant, can hire a masseuse to do deep tissue massage and fascial release, without in any way compromising my “status” as a dominant.  I can get a tattoo without compromising my dominance. And so forth.

Dominance refers to a dynamic within a power-exchange relationship.  It does not mean the dominant is a cartoon stereotype.  I can submit to anaesthesia and be surgically operated upon without becoming any less of a dominant.  A dominant is a human being, not a superhero.

“Topping from Below”

Now, let’s look at a “submissive” who is topping from below.  She has very definite ideas about what she wants done, when, in what order, for how long, and how intensely.  This “submissive” definitely enjoys receiving sensation, including strong, rough, even overpowering sensation, and outwardly there is the template of dominance and submission, but in reality she is fully in control and is “using” the person who is on top.

I’ve presented an extreme example here.  Obviously there is a continuum.  When a scene is negotiated in advance and there is a safeword, then the sub is giving up control but within a certain framework.  It’s kind of like going to a movie.  We allow ourselves to enter emotionally into what is going on, but we expect that in two hours the lights will go up and we will return blinking to the sunny outside world.  So in any scene there can be a range of degrees to which the sub is giving up control.

Even in long-terms situations where the couple is playing without a safeword, the dom has a general idea of what the sub’s likes, dislikes, and limits are, and he is reading her non-verbal signals and using his intution in place of a safeword.  No matter how much he may push her limits,  he knows where there are certain boundaries he cannot cross without seriously affecting the relationship.

“Mind-Reading”

Which brings us to the topic of mind-reading.  There are some “subs” who don’t offer explicitly verbal direction, as in topping from below, but who nevertheless expect the dom to “read her mind” and get upset, pouty, or shut-down if the dom fails to successfully intuit her wants and needs.

Of course, a sub wants to get something out of the exchange, but the more profound sub does not have a lot of specific, detailed requirements.  She has a great capacity to eroticize the impulse of surrender itself, and to derive considerable fulfillment from feeling she is of service.

Conclusion

In consensual bdsm the dominant is never a totally free agent.  Like a poet or artist, he operates within the constraints of the artistic medium.  There is always some degree of “control” exerted by the submissive, but there is a point along the continuum a person ceases being truly submissive and becomes primarily a seeker of sensation, using the “dominant” as a tool for creating the sensations.

Sensation and emotion are correlated.  If receiving a hard spanking it may be difficult not to assume a submissive mindset.  But it is possible.  When my chiropractor is doing deep and intense tissue massage it is borderline painful and I have to relax into it.  But I am not submitting to her pleasure in inflicting pain on me. I am submitting to my pleasure in having my muscular spasms released.

There’s subtlety, complexity, and multiple layers to understanding relationships between people and the interdependence between dom and sub.  I don’t think it can all be mapped out neatly, but I hope this discussion has helped to clarify that there are different dimensions at play in any bdsm encounter.  Masochism may accompany submission, but it can also be a entity unto itself, willful and self-centered.

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sensation, control, and submission – part 1

There is something special about hitting my sub in the face with a tumescent penis. Slapping her with the palm of my hand is delightful, but when I slap her with my penis I get double the sensation.  It’s like using her face to masturbate my penis, at the same time that I am punishing her with it.

There’s the control and humiliation of poking her in the eyelid with the tip of my penis, prodding her lips open with it,  then slapping her across the cheek with the full weight of it, and rubbing my testicles against her nose and mouth.

I love to watch her concentrate as she tries to absorb the blows and the humiliation. Periodically I order her to open her eyes and look at me, so I can see the mists of subspace reflected in her disoriented gaze.

At the same time that I am enjoying the spectacle of her submission, I am experiencing delightful sensations in my penis as it slaps against the soft skin of her cheek and her lips.  A double feature!  She thanks me later.  What could be better?

What if I were to have her slap my penis mildly with her hand?   In that case I would be enjoying similar sensations, but it wouldn’t “look” like I was dominating her.  Of course, she would be servicing me, according to my directions, so I would be exercising a kind of dominance, but not as explicit and full-on as in the previous scenario.

If there are doms who seek particular sensations, and direct their subs to give it to them, can there “subs” who are really sensation seekers and not particularly submissive?

In both the scenarios described above I am feeling similar sensations in my cock, and I am in control of the timing and intensity of those sensation –, in one case directly and in the other case indirectly.

If you are directing someone to stimulate your genitals by striking them in a very specific manner, are they being dominant?  Are you being submissive?  You may be thinking, “Who cares?”  If that is what you are thinking, you are a hedonist,  and are not overly concerned about power dynamics   In the lust of moment I may agree with you — it feels good, so what? –  but there’s always a relationship dynamic to attend to eventually.

All contents copyright Domiphile, 2009.  Not to be used without permission and attribution.  Follow me on http://twitter.com/playswithbarbie

For fetish/kink/bdsm lovers – the man with two blogs – how did it happen?

For my serious writings on bdsm click on this (blue) link now: domophilia.wordpress.com

This “domophile” blog is a tribute to my dyslexia and/or memory lapse.  I originally started a blog called “domophilia.wordpress.com.”  Mistakenly I posted the url in a number of places as “domophile.wordpress.com.” Since I can’t go back and correct all those online postings, I’ve added this second blog.

Rather than double post content to two blogs, I’m going to continue to post most of my content at this location domophilia.wordpress.com .  Please go there now to view my serious writings.  I will reserve this blog for posting photos and bits of trivia.  You can also follow me on twitter:  not_yr_avg_dom